Parents Think Their Pet Lizard Is Pregnant.

announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth..”

“Oh, gross!” they shrieked

“Well, isn’t THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient.

After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

“We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.

“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.

“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.

“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

“Should I call 911?” my eldest daughter wanted to know. “Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.”

“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly.. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

“Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged. “I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

“What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.

“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs.. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?” I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.

“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. ‘This lizard is not in labor.. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen. ..Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this. “So, Ernie’s just. just . . . excited,” my wife offered.

“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. “What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. ‘”t’s just .that. .I’m picturing you pulling on its. … . its. . . teeny little . . ”

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. “That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad.” he told me. “Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140. One cage: $50. Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs!

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